SEX ED FOR ALL!
BABIES!
May is Sex Ed for All Month, and seriously, this is one of my favorite things to think about and talk about. You’ve heard me quote it twice, and I’m going to quote it thrice.
My dear mentor, Sallie Foley said, “Talking about sex will change the world,” and will it ever! Talking about sex will bring more pleasure for more people, more connection, more empowerment, more embodiment, less shame, less sexual assault, more comfort, less rape, less sexual misconduct, and more affection for ALL OF US. This month we are going to talk about sex (like I basically do every month) and filling in the gaps for how to be more sexually healthy humans. And to do this, I’m going to be relying on a new crop of sex ed books I’ve been reading this past winter.
“Sex Positive Talks to Have WIth Kids: A guide to raising sexually healthy, informed, and empowered young people,” by Melissa Pintor Carnagey, LBSW will be the feature. Melissa is the founder of Sex Positive Families, LLC and organization that provides education and resources to help families raise sexually healthy children.
I’ll be blogging about this book and giving you helpful tips and tricks that will make talking about sex feel more accessible this month, and I’ll also be bringing you several other favorites you’ll want to get your hot little hands on. Stay tuned also for a whopping list of other resources if books aren’t your jam.
“Sex positivity begins with families where there is openness to have honest and shame-free chats beyond the basics of human reproduction.” Sex positive families lay the foundation for sexually healthy teens, young adults, and adulthood. When kids have a sense of their families values around sexuality, they have a compass for how to explore their own sexuality. When kids have more information, they can make thoughtful decisions and have a sense there are safe adults to help guide them, especially when they start thinking about the possibility of being sexual with other humans. What we do know from the glorious sex researchers, is that talking about sex in an open, honest and shame-free manner actually delays a persons sexual debut, they use contraception and have fewer partners when they do decide to be sexual.
Sex education in most schools is basic at best, and often misses the mark on medically accurate, inclusive, and values based education. Kids need their families to fill in the holes and to be there when questions or worries arise. If you are a parent and need support in giving your kids this important education, read on.
Let’s start with defining sexual health so you have a better idea of what you are working toward when making sure the young people in your life are learning about sexual health. The World Health Organization defines sexual health as a state of emotional, physical, and social well being in relation to sex. I’ve also written about sexual health principles that include consent, honesty, protection against STI, HIV & pregnancy, pleasure, is non-exploitiive, and discussion of shared values. Consider all of these words and phrases and decide how you want to describe sexual health.
In her book, Sex Positive Talks To Have With Kids, Melissa Pintor Carnagey, LBSW lists an excellent list of barriers to taking to our young people about sexuality.
Growing up without open talks about sexual health
Lack of comprehensive sex ed in schools
Having an identity that is systematically oppressed, hypersexualized, objectified, or de-sexualized by society, particularly Black, Brown, Indigenous, LGBTQ+, fat, and disabled folx
Being raised in purity culture or other belief systems that erased or shamed sexuality
Experiencing sexual trauma, consent violations, or policing of the body
The influence of social media and streaming porn
Take a moment and think about how your own experience as a developing human impacts how you talk to the humans in your life, and meet yourself with some self compassion. While insight is so helpful in understanding our hang-ups in talking about sex, moving through the discomfort with support and resources will help you get more comfortable. You don’t have to have all the answers and you don’t have to have the “perfect” talk. Think about talking to the people in your life much like how you think about teaching your kid to brush their teeth or eat strong food before sweets. It’s a process, yeah?
Ok, we’ve clarified that sex education in schools kinda sucks, there are barriers to talking to our people about sex that we bring with us from our own developement, and yet we want our humans to develop into sexually healthy beings. This brings me to my original point, which is, talking about sex changes the world, and you can start changing the world right at home!
Melissa Pintor Carnagey writes about 5 tips to help you respond to the humans when they bring questions.
1. Don’t Panic!
If you can play it cool and respond in a helpful way, the human will likely come back and ask more questions, which is the goal. The fact they are even asking you questions must mean they think you are safe, so give yourself a fist bump for that.
2. Respond in an affirming way
If you meet the question with a “I’m happy you asked me that!” the human will feel encouraged and may ask more questions. If you ignore them, change the subject or shut them down, you send a message to the human you are not interested, which starts to nurture the seedlings of shame. Make sure your human knows no topic is off topic to ensure they have a safe adult to talk to and get support and guidance.
3. Get curious (not investigate)
Send a curious response back to the human when they ask a question, like, “what do you think it means when your penis does that?” Melssa points out this gives you a chance to gather yourself before answering the question, and gives you some context so you know where they are coming from when they asked the question.
4. Fight the urge to run!
Take a deep breath! You’ve got this. Remember, how you respond to your human’s question will impact their sense of safety and trust. They are looking for an ally, and why not be theirs? It’s ok to let them know you are uncomfortable. You are modeling getting through discomfort and staying present.
5. Answer the question
Go ahead! Do it! Answer their question. Consider their age, your current location, and what you know about your human. Do they want a quick answer, or are they open to a longer meandering conversation? If you don’t know the answer, that’s ok! Let them know you aren’t sure, but that you’ll look into it and come back with an answer. Make sure you actually come back with the answer.
The last thing I am going to touch on is what Melissa calls, “setting the tone.” I believe we can all use a little help making sure we are shame free, open, and taboo-free and she provides 10 fantastic ideas! She asks us to consider the topics talked about aren’t inherently uncomfortable, but how the humans who are talking about sexuality make it so.
Remember you were young and curious before! Treat these babes how you wish your adults had treated and guided you.
Focus on preparing them, not scaring them. Let’s move away from the disaster model of sex = unwanted pregnancy and death and move more into the realm of sex + pleausre + safety + consent = healthy sexuality
Listen to understand, not respond. Don’t rush to give answers, advice, or jump to conclusions.
Be honest. If they are old enough to ask, they are old enough for an answer. Their curiosity won’t diminish because you are withholding or serving up some BS. They’ll go looking for answers elsewhere!
Respect their autonomy. Help them develop their self-determination skills. Get comfy asking them, “what do you think about that?” and “how can I support you?
Walk the talk! Model consent, healthy relationships, positive body image, respecting people’s boundaries and having a few yourself. If you aren’t doing great in these areas, use this as an opportunity to let them know you are working on it. Model imperfection.
Keep the learning fun! Think of all the ways humans like to learn, and utilize these resources. There are so many great books, podcasts, Ted Talks, pop songs, TikToks to pull from.
Minimize Judgment. Ask yourself how you are making it safe for your human to talk to you about these topics? If your babe thinks you’ll judge, punish, or silence them, they will go looking for answers elsewhere, and remember YOU are trying to change the world, right at home.
Don’t act like you know it all! You don’t. None of us do. But we can look for the answers together, and have another opportunity to model leaving our egos outside the door, and to jump into the pearls of discovery with our humans.
Keep an open door. If you play your cards right, they keep coming to you for the thousands of questions they’ll have and you will have a thousand opportunities to connect.
I have so much more to say about this book, and so little time. Please do yourself a favor and go pick up your own copy so you can keep learning about how to talk to your humans about body awareness, masturabtion, consent and safety, safe and unsafe touch, gender, sexual orientation, intimacy and healthy relationshps, sex, media literacy, porm, and social media.
